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Top Ten Dallas Cowboy Jokes
1. Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.
2. Q: Four Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who's driving?
A: The police.
3. Q: Why can't wide receiver Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It's a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
4. Michael Irvin still is recovering from the broken clavicle he suffered in the team's
season-ending playoff loss to Carolina. Doctors estimate it could be another 6-8 weeks
before he will be able to videotape a teammate having sex.
5. The Chicago Bears reportedly are trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of
"The Refrigerator," so now they want a coke machine.
6. The Dallas newspapers reported recently that Texas Stadium is going to take out the
artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on "grass".
7. Did you hear that the Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System?" Yes, your
Honor; no, your Honor.
8. The Cowboys had a 12-5 season this year: 12 arrests, five convictions.
9. Did you hear who's the Cowboys new defensive coordinator? Johnny Cochran.
10. Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at training camp?
A: Studying the Miranda Rights. |
Why Athletes
Can't Have Real Jobs
Chicago Cubs
outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids
to copulate me."
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New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
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And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
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Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
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Football commentator and former player Joe Theisman! In 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
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Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is
beautiful)
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Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in
groups of three, then line up in a circle."
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Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don
King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton."
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Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
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Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is."
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Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach
Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle
or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
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Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said,
'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
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Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
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Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas
why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walkin')
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Great Football
Quotes
Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't have
any." Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.
"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless,
Beat Texas."
Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game. "After you
retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be
the one who dropped it." Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"When you win, nothing hurts." Joe Namath / Alabama
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated." Lou
Holtz / Arkansas
"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the
password, "Roll, tide, roll!" Bear Bryant / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval
study hall." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked
out of you." Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just
want to win enough to warrant an investigation." Bob Devaney / Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
Wally Butts / Georgia
"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in
life." Paul Dietzel / LSU
"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class." Bear Bryant / Alabama
When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. "No, but you can
see it from here." Lou Holtz / Arkansas...
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want
him to quit in practice, not in a game." Bear Bryant / Alabama
"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the
goal line." Matty Bell / SMU
"Lads,you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms -
Truman's and Eisenhower's." Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and
arrive in a bad humor." Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades." Duffy
Daugherty / Michigan State
"Always remember..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." Shug
Jordan / Auburn
"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces."
Darrell Royal / Texas
"Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure." Knute
Rockne / Notre Dame
"They whipped us like a tied up goat." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't
recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you
weren't any good." Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering
wheel." Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is not a contact sport-it is a collision sport. Dancing is a
contact sport." Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team:
"All those who need showers, take them." John McKay / USC
"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great
education." Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a
back, you only have to be dumb." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it." Knute Rockne
/ Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." Darrell Royal /
Texas
"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking."
John McKay / USC
"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are
bad." Darrell Royal / University of Texas
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." Knute
Rockne / Notre Dame
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this
football" John Heisman |
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