Schools and Employment

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Actual Absentee Letters

• Dear School:   Please excuse John from being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.
• Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday.  She was in bed with gramps.
• I had to keep billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I didn't know what size she ware.
• Please excuse Johnny for being.  It was his father's fault.
• Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.
• Chris will not be in school cuz he has a acre in his side.
• John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
• Excuse Gloria.  She has been under the doctor.
• Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
• My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fisacal ed. Please execute him.
• Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football and was hurt in the growing part.
• My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.  She spend this weekend with the marines.
• Please excuse Joyce from P. E. for a few days.  Yesterday she fell out of a tree and misplaced a hip.
• Please excuse Ray Friday from school.  He has very loose vowels.
• Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.  Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat.   Her brother had low grade fever and ached all over.  I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and fever.  There must have been something going around; her father even got hot last night.
• Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday.  He had diar dyrey diereah the shits.
• Please excuse Blanch from jim today.  She is administrating.
• George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
• Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sore trout.
• Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Sarah for being absent.  She was sick and I had her shot.
• Please excuse Wayne for being out yesterday, because he had the fuel.

You Might Be a School Employee If...

1. You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
2. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
3. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
4. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
5. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
6. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
7. You have no social life between August and June.
8. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much easier.
9. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
10. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
11. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the lounge."
12. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
13. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
14. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
15. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says, "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss.  I think it would be such fun."
16. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

School Phone Message

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School. California Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
"To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

"To complain about what we do - Press 3

"To swear at staff members - Press 4

"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter

and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

"If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

"To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8

"To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

"To complain about school lunches - Press 0

"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort... hang up and have a nice day!

No Child Left Behind: Part 2

In response to Pres. Bush's Federal "NO Child Left Behind Act" (NCLB), it is proposed that students will be required to pass a test in order to be promoted to the next grade level.  In the hope that this proposal will be uniformly adopted by all states , the new test will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test, or FART.

All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in Grades 3, 4, and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART score of 80%.  If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program to be known as the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Literacy, or SMELL.

If, with this increased SMELL program, the student cannot pass the required FART test, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking another one semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation, or CRAP.  

If by age fourteen, the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP he or she can earn promotion in an intensive one-week seminar known as the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students, or PRUNES.

It is the opinion of the Department of Instruction for Public Schools (DIPS) that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or CRAP. 

No Child Left Behind: The Football Version  

1.  All teams must make the state playoffs, and all will win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are champions, and coaches will be held accountable. 

2.  All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time and in the same conditions. No exceptions will be made for interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL.  

3. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren't interested in football, have limited athletic ability, or whose parents don't like football.   

4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in 4th, 8th, and 11th games (for you AR teachers).  

5. This will create a New Age of sports where every school is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimal goals. 

IMPORTANT NEWS - NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED!

Reprinted from the Virginia Instructors of Physics Newsletter

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The new element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons and no electrons, and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice-neutrons, and 161 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together by a force that involves constant exchange of a special class of particle called morons.

Since it does not have electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without administratium, the reaction had occurred in less than one second.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years, after which it does not normally decay but instead undergoes a complex nuclear process called "reorganization". In this little-understood process, assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons appear to exchange places. Early results indicate that atomic mass actually increases after each "reorganization".

Prison vs. Work

In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At
work you spend most of your time in a 8x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get
rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you're just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you can't even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, there are managers.

Twenty-five of the World's Shortest Books

25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
19. "Al Gore: The Wild Years"
18. "Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean"
17. "America's Most Popular Lawyers"
16. "Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors"
15. "Detroit - A Travel Guide"
14. "Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. "Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches"
12. "Easy UNIX"
11. "Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance"
10. "Everything Men Know About Women"
9. "Everything Women Know About Men"
8. "The Engineer's Guide to Fashion"
7. "George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names"
6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5. "Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette"
4. "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA"
3. "Staple Your Way to Success"
2. "The Amish Phone Directory"
1. "French Hospitality"

Dilbert's Theorem on Salary states that engineers and scientists can never earn as much salary as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following three postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power (Knowledge=Power)
Postulate 2: Time is Money (Time=Money)
Postulate 3 (as every engineer knows): Power =Work/Time It therefore follows: Knowledge = Work / Time and since,
Time = Money, we have,
Knowledge = Work / Money Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done. Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.

Performance Evaluations

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation -- just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations:

1."Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2."I would not allow this employee to breed."

3."This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't-be."

4."Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5."When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6."This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7."He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8."This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9."This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10."Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11."A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12."He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13."I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14."He's been working with glue too much."

15."He would argue with a signpost."

16."He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17."When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18."If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

19."A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20."A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."

21."Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22."Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

23."If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

24."If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

25."If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

26."It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

27."Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

28."Takes him two hours to watch '60-minutes'."

29."The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

30."Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking.

School Problems 33 Years Apart

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started  it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.
1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.
2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1973 - Ants die.
2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Dilbert in Real Life

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.

Here are some of them :

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft ITS development team)

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising / Marketing manager, UPS)

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D Supervisor, 3M)

7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the boss "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say"
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. "How about Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said "That would be better for me".
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above".
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New Business Manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

13. Speaking the Same Language As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)

14. I am not making this up. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally circulated memo from a large communications company "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on currect procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"
(Lucent Technologies)

You Know You're in the Perfect Job When the Office Signs Read:

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.  Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don't have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away!

15. Go the extra mile.  It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim low.  Reach your goals.  Avoid disappointment

Lesson in International Business

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them, in secret pastures Then keep the owners heirs from ever knowing that you have them.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported these numbers.

A KIWI CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows

back, with a tax exemption for five cows.The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY FRIDAY, JAN. 20, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering , Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Hell Explained by a Chemistry Student

The following is an actual question given on a Washington State University Student chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Brain Cramps

	Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected on September 17, 1994, as Miss America 1995. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
	"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
	"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
	"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
	"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
	"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas
	"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
	"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle
	"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
	"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst
	"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
	"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
	"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
	"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school inWashington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.  That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.  Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done.  She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.  She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.  To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show  the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.  Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

New Company Policy

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: Company Policy: Effective Sept. 2006

Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

SAT Answers

The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! 

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What's a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER:  Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:        Maria.

TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
 
TEACHER:   Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN:       KROKODIAL"
TEACHER:   No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
                     didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:      Me!

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER:   Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE:        I is...
TEACHER:   No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE:        All right...  "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
 
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's
                     cherry tree, but also admitted it.    Now, Louie, do you
                     know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:         Because George still had the ax in his hand.

TEACHER:   Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:        No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER:    Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as 
                       your brother's.   Did you copy his?
CLYDE :        No, teacher, it's the same dog.

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking  when
                      people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher.

Mathematics Education Today

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
 
5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6. Teaching Math In 2006
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

How To Stay Awake In Teacher Inservices:
Offered As A Public Service

Do you keep falling asleep in teacher meetings and inservices?

Here's a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, inservice or staff development, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size.

Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
  * no child left behind
  * test scores
  * core competencies
  * communication
  * standards
  * multiple exposures
  * benchmarks
  * proactive
  * data-driven
  * think outside the box
  * action plan
  * result-driven
  * assessments
  * knowledge base
  * at the end of the day
  * touch base
  * mindset
  * differentiated
  * retention
  * skills
  * background knowledge
  * effective learning
  * FCAT
  * implementation
  * reflection 

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally stand up and shout "BULL!"

TESTIMONIALS from satisfied "Bull Bingo" players:

-- "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."
- Adam W., Atlanta

-- "My attention span at inservices has improved dramatically."
- David T., Orlando

-- "What a gas! Staff development will never be the same for me after my first win." - Dan J., New York City

-- "The atmosphere was tense in the last inservice as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben G, Denver

-- "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULL!' for the third time in two hours. The Bull Bingo Championship will be played at the next inservice."
-Rod H., Nashville