Politics, Government
and Police

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Police Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects." 

Politically Correct Ways to Call Someone Stupid

• A few clowns short of a circus.
• A few fries short of a happy meal
• An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
• A few beers short of a six pack
• Dumber than a box of hair
• Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
• The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
• Not the coldest beer in the fridge
• One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
• All foam, no beer
• Has an IQ of 2 but it takes 3 to grunt
• Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
• An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
• Has the IQ of a house plant
• As smart as bait
• Chimney's clogged
• Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
• His antenna doesn't pick up all the chanels
• Proof that evolution can go in reverse
• Not the sharpest tool in the shed
• The lights are on but no-one's home
• The light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished
• 2 sticks short of a bundle
• A few pints short of a quart
• Cables connected, no voltage
• Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool
• One neuron short of a synapse

Only in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an  ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the  pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't  want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in  packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning   "blood-sucking creatures"... 

What Not to Say to a Police Officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look
glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Speeding

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back. All are wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly.. Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says, a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number of the road, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am," the officer said. "I have to ask ... Is everyone in this vehicle OK? All of these other women seem awfully shaken up and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

The old woman smiled and said, "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Here are some quotes from Marion Barry --  Is this a great country or what? 

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club.  And second, what can I say?  I'm a night owl."

"Bitch set me up."

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan.  I am in my third term. Where's Reagan?  Gone after two!  Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."

"The laws in this city are clearly racist.  All laws are racist. The law of  gravity is racist."

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel.  As mayor, I am an international symbol.  Can you deny that to Africa?"

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's.  But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president?  I can assure you there are."

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of   which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then?  WOULD IT!?!"

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

Floridians

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and climate. The people from Florida are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?" You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm sending them from the North every winter!

Police Officer Testifies in Court

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.  The lawyer was
trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir.  But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.  Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir.  With my life."

Q: "With your life?  Let me ask you this then officer.  Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do"

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Radar

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

I replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher do?" I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop then asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"

I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge....."

Bail: $100 Ticket: $95 Look on the cop's face: PRICELESS