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FAMOUS DOG QUOTES.

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."  -- Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."  -- Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."  -- Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."  -- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think that's how dogs spend their lives."  -- Sue Murphy

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."  --Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork,  half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"  -- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."  -- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."  -- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."  -- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."  -- Ann Landers

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."  -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"  -- Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."  -- Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."  -- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck

How Men are Better than Dogs

• Men only have two feet to track in mud.
• Men can buy you presents.
• Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
• Men are a little bit more subtle.
• Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.
• Men open their own cans.
• Men don't have dog breath all the time.
• Men can do math stuff.
• Holiday Inns accept men.

How Dogs and Men are the same

• Both take up too much space on the bed.
• Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
• Both are threatened by their own kind.
• Both like to chew wood.
• Both mark their territory.
• Both are bad at asking you questions.
• Neither tells you what's bothering them.
• Both tend to smell riper with age.
• Men are color blind.
• The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
• Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
• Neither does any dishes.
• Both fart shamelessly.
• Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
• Both like dominance games.
• Both are suspicious of the postman.
• Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
• Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs are better than Men

• Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
• Dogs miss you when you're gone.
• You never wonder whether you dog is good enough for you.
• Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
• Dogs don't brag about whom they've slept with.
• Dogs don't criticize your friends.
• Dogs admit when they're jealous.
• Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
• Dogs don't play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
• Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
• Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
• No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
• You can train a dog.
• Dogs are easy to buy for.
• Dogs are good with kids.
• Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
• You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
• Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
• The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you can kill the one that gives it to you.)
• Dogs understand what No means.
• Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
• Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
• Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
• Dogs do not read at the table.
• Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
• You can house train a dog.
• You can force a dog to take a bath.
• Dogs don't correct your stories.
• Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
• Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
• Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
• Dogs don't mind if you do all of the driving.
• Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
• Dogs admit it when they're lost.
• Dog don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
• Dogs look at your eyes.
• Dogs like your size.
• Dogs don't care whether you shave you legs.
• Dogs take care of their own needs.
• Dogs are color blind.
• Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
• Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
• Dogs are nice to your relatives.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

• Dogs don't cry.
• Dogs love it when your friends come over.
• A dog's time in the bathroom is limited to quick drinks.
• The later you are, the more excited a dog is to see you.
• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
• Dogs don't notice (or care) if you call them by another dog's name.
• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
• Dogs like when you leave lots of things on the floor.
• Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
• Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
• Dogs like beer.
• No dog ever bought a Kenny G, Cher, or Barbara Striesand album.
• Dogs agree you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
• It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
• Dogs can't talk.

"When Good Dogs Go and Crossbreed:"

• Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

• Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

• Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

• Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

• Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

• Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

• Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

• Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes

• Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

• Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

• Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

• Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

A Letter To Dogs And Cats

Dear Dogs and Cats, (and others, see note at bottom.)

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to insure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by  some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hangout with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

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