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Southern Windows 98

  It has come to our attention that a few copies of a "Southern" edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped.  If you have one of the "Southern" editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The "Southern" edition may be recognized  by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS98 with a  background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag.  It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.  Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, MyComputer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard,  Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs. 

Other features:

1. Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape. 
2. OK = ats aww-right
3. cancel = hail no 
4. .reset = awa shoot 
5. yes = shore
6. no = Naaaaw
7. find = hunt-fer it 
8. go to = over yonder
9. back = back yonder 
10. help = hep me out here 
11. stop = ternit off 
12. start = crank it up
13. settings = sittins 
14. programs = stuff at does stuff 
15. documents = stuff  I done done 

Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.  Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:

tiperider..........A word processor 
colerin book......a graphics program 
addin mershene...calculator 
outhouse paper ...notepad 
jupe-box ..........CD Player 
iner-net...........Microsoft Explorer 
pichers............A graphics viewer 
IRS................M/S accounting software 
IRS2...............M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog............American kennel club records
fishin...............Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
NRA................National  Rifle Association 
shot gun ...........Remington Arms price list  riffel...............Winchester price list 
pisstel..............Smith & Wesson price list  truck...............Ford & Chevrolet dealers in Tennesseeby zip code 
house...............Nearest Mobile home repair service byzip code  
car..................same as truck just need two lists inTennessee 
cuzzins..............family history usually a 3 meg file
tax  records..............usually an empty file  
shells................ammunition inventory another 3 megfile  
bud...................list of Budweiser dealers by zip code  
rasin............NASCAR racing schedule includes listof TV stations that carry the race
car n truck parts...nearest Junk yard by zip code  
doc....................veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the "Southern" edition.  You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

When Computer Geeks Get Bored

Bill Gates Talks to High School Students

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.