Assorted Jokes

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True Friendship

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship: 

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Remember.......A good friend will help you move.....a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

I Wonder

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of asteroids"?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Is the main reason Santa's so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent,
and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears
to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the
Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone
has stolen our tent."

When is @#$% Acceptable? 

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. 

They are as follows:                          

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want! WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

Don't Mess With Old People

An older man had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.  The waiting room was filled with patients.  As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.  He gave her his name.  In a very loud voice, the receptionist said:

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE,  RIGHT?"

All the patients in the  waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.  He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied:

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

Actual Conversations Between Pilots and the Tower

Some of these are really funny. Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
 

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f... ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a

B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, “the dreaded seven-engine approach."

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A  concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was  the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant.

"It took us a while to find a new pilot."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):  "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

AND SAVING THE BEST TWO FOR LAST:

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't land."

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

New Liquor Labels

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor Manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell   happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in your getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Bumper Stickers

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car..."

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Forget about World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

"i souport publik edekasion"

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

Stupidity Sightings

Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "Sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is unsuccessfully trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.

Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5: I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support): Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Induhvidual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

Sighting #8 (from Tech Support): Induhvidual: Now what do I do? Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen? Induhvidual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name." Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name. Induhvidual: How do you spell that?

Santa Needs Therapy

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. YeR FReND,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a f***ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa *******************************************************

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa *******************************************************

Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa ********************************************************

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa *******************************************************

Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my f***ing mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa *******************************************************

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa

*******************************************************

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa

*******************************************************

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa *******************************************************

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa

*****************************************************

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE,
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging s*** may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

*******************************************************

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa

Actual Label Instructions on Consumer Goods

On a Sear's hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside."

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."

On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."

On Sunsbury peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions:  Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

What a Wedding

Gotta love this guy.....This actually IS true-it was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it! Only in South Carolina!!

Below is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University: This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a
manila envelope. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of
them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Fuck you",he turned to the bride and said "Fuck you", and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said "I'm out of here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge:
Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends,
their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world,we just live in it.

Benefits of Growing Older

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Blondes and Horses

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Thank God for heroes.

A Texas Chili Contest..................

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit! What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Karla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of Chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, Because you came home early."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my rather.... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could......But he pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them? "He said ... "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect!"

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

George Carlin Quotes

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
29. How is it possible to have a civil war?
31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
32. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp"; to have an "S" in it?
35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
38. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
39. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

How Not to Behave at Walmart

Dear Mrs. Fenton:
Our store is considering banning  your family from shopping with us unless your husband stops his antics.  Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton -  Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner was  shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly  put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.  July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and  told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in Housewares..... and watched what  happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to  put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a  'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September  15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite  them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10.  November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3:  Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December  18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled PICK  ME!"  "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over  the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Telemarketers

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this William Wagenhoss?"

This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?" 

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he was calling this number.  I then said off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood." I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home & at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable!!!!

Funny Quotes

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep.  Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.  
 --Author Unknown

 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
 --Author Unknown

 3) "Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn't you say so?  There's a support group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

 6) "Relationships are hard.  It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.  I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men.  I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?  I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, oh my God..........I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started.  Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?  What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

18) "Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?  Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, "presumed" deceased

21) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
--Henry Ki! ssinger (former US Secretary of State)  

22) "Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'
--Patricia Arquette

23) "And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
--George Burns

24) "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
--Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

25) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

26) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

27) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
--Dan Rather (News anchorman)

28) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
--Arnold Schwarzenegger  

29) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
--Tiger Woods

30) "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
--Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

31) "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
--Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

32) "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
--Rev. Jesse Jackson

33) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

34) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)  

35) Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

36) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

37) "In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"
--Hugh Grant

38) "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

39) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City.

A woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: .
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Recently, a New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Subject: Advisory from the Florida Dept. of Fish and Wildlife

The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, golfers and tourist in general to take extra precautions and
keep alert for alligators while in Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee,
Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam, Hillsborough and Orange counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...... 
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

They Walk Among Us

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.
_______________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!
_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a
probation officer in Wichita, KS
_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
_______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

Proposed Rules for the Next Year  

1. Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason I don't talk to people I went to high school with 40 years ago.  Because you don't particularly like them!  Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.  

2.  Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.  

3.  Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:  lucky bastards. 

4.  Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.  

5.  There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.  

6.  The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.  If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.  

7.  Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.  

8.  Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.  ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."  

9.  If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is because the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.  

10.  No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.  Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. 

11.  This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.  

You Know You're a Floridian If...

"Down South" means Key  West.

"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.

You think no-one over 70 should be allowed to drive.

Flip-flops are everyday wear.

Shoes are for business meetings and church.

No, wait, flip-flops are good for church too, unless it's Easter or Christmas.

Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip or cruise to Florida.

You measure distance in minutes.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

All the local festivals are named after a fruit.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.

You know the four seasons really are almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and Christmas.

It's not soda, cola, or pop... it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor, "What kinda coke you want?"

Anything under 95 is just warm.

You've hosted a hurricane party.

You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.

You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.

You understand the futility of exterminating Palmetto bugs, (cockroaches.)

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee and Withlacoochee.

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.

Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include various fish, NRA, and a confederate flag.

You were 8 before you realized they made houses without pools.

You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

You get angry when people say, "Florida isn't really part of the SOUTH"

You've worn shorts, gone swimming and used the A/C on Christmas.

You know what the "stingray shuffle" is, and why it's important!

You recognize Miami-Dade as "Northern Cuba".

If You Should Have To Relocate

 As we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some considerations.

 You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,  Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different"

AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. The cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds.

Steven Wright One-Liners

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famously erudite comic who once said, "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0..and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as MLB 5.0, NFL 4.3, PGA 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can do?

Signed, Desperate

REPLY FROM TECH SUPPORT

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVED ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. BUT remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

Prison vs. Work